With the forces of darkness breaking down our doors trying to convert our children to religions we haven’t even heard of and changing the pronunciation of GIF to GIF, it’s no wonder they’re now coming for our streets. Sign the petition below and make it KNOWN that you support fifteenth century boat owner Christopher Columbus.

Whereas the city of Bloomington is a beautiful city rich in culture, diversity, shopping malls, and streets, and

Whereas all of our streets are precious, every single one, and

Whereas without streets named after historical figures, we might forget who they were, which is why Northeast Minneapolis has streets named after all of the presidents in order of service, for students studying history tests, and

Whereas the forces of darkness have vowed to take all of our streets, and replace them with politically correct streets that are named after communist revolutionaries and Hollywood celebrities, and

Whereas our best street, named after Christopher Columbus, who sailed the ocean blue in 1492, discovered America, befriended the natives, bought some spices at a fair price, and sailed back to Spain without ever raising much of a fuss, is our most vulnerable street of them all, and

Whereas We the People of Bloomington don’t really want to go to the DMV to get new licenses street names like Marx Ave or Weathers Ln or Rove Blvd, not in the middle of a pandemic.

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that the City of Bloomington protect Columbus Ave by any means necessary, up to and including disguising the street as a different street, with a new name and signs and addresses, and mail everyone new licenses and file change of address forms with the post office, free of charge, at least until the heat dies down.